A Moment for Confession

I am planning my next smoke.
The cigarettes are singing their siren songs to me.
They insist that I can have just one.
Their smell is wafting to me on the wind.
I can almost taste them.

It will be like handcuffing myself for the next ten years; to a chain named "holding me back".
Somewhere some part of me thinks it will be the best way of letting go of one broken relationship - start a different unhealthy relationship.
I will award me for my bravery and punish me for my grief.
That is my standard operating procedure when I'm in charge of the care and keeping of me.
It will remain my unchanging course of action if I do not let my higher power guide me.

They whisper to me that they don't matter, they are not alcohol, at most they are the lesser of two evils; better to give in to them than the bottle.
I cry "Falsehood" - they are one domino among many between me and my next drink.
Infinently better to place my God given defenses between me and that next smoke, for beyond that my defenses can easily be uncertain.

~Please take away this obsession of the mind, so I do not initiate my physical craving. Please give me the power to get out of the way and invite you in. Amen~

Sitting in my emotions.

Sitting in my emotions sucks.
Getting stuff done in spite of overwhelming emotions today feels great.
Having to face the changes that are causing the sucky emotions, sucks more.
Being just a little bit less good at finding more appropriate or nicer language right now makes me smile.
I don't have to change anything about how I feel. I can sit here, waiting for class to start, realize I did a great job in my class, and that I'm almost done with the summer semester, and am on my way to a degree (which I never imagined being a possibility in my life), and be content and satisfied and sad and overwhelmed all at once and that's o.k.
I'm allowed.
I'm growing up.
Holy cow.
Yay me!

Dressing nicely

I've never been really good at dressing up for a corporate job. I'm much more on the business casual end of the spectrum. But, I've been practicing and so far so good.

I feel better when I put myself together before heading out. I didn't think it would feel like this.

So.

I am in school now, and I am really enjoying it so far...

This is all I can share right now, in between homework assignments:

http://distantcricket.deviantart.com/journal/Just-a-little-rant-538761960

>1 year post Smoking Cessation

I've smoked cigarettes since I was 1* years old. I was what is considered a heavy smoker.

I love tobacco. All forms. Cigars and hookahs.

What do I do now that I've stopped smoking for just over a year (this time). I still want one all the time, every day.

When it's nice outside, when it's storming; when it's early, when it's late. Sitting at home or driving. Always.

As a reward for getting up and facing the day; the world at large. As a punishment for existing; for feeling too much.

The intellectual part of me knows it's a crutch. Knows it's a substitute for whatever emotional coping mechanism I failed to learn as a child.

Tobacco is also a smell memory. Every safe place I had as an adolescent smelled like smoke.

I am having to teach myself all over again. I am having to re-nurture my inner child.

I will just not pick up the next cigarette and accept the self-control God is gifting me with as I continue to try to do his will.

~Hold me a bit tighter today, please. Amen~

Almost home.

I should have taken before pictures of my home. Now that I am approaching the very last of my home organization projects, I look around in wonder at all I have accomplished. Just another example of my making something wonderful out of a difficult period in my life. Things are not all hunky-dory, but I am not stuck. I'm moving forward and seeking growth.

~Thank you for guiding me and holding me in your arms. Amen~

Progress

I have been successful in my latest endeavors to write poetry.

High five to me.

Here is a link to my gallery  http://distantcricket.deviantart.com/gallery/

Self-promotion!  Yay!

I am all tapped out of words, but I am so happy that I am exercising my grey matter.  Now I just need to feed it.  It is calling out for some knowledge, and is hungering to learn, and weeps wearily that my days are so similar with very little variety.  I am hoping that will improve.  I am so ready to be a working woman again.  Please send good vibes my way.

~Lead me, and let me lean on you, please.  I am so very tired. Amen~

My Birthday was on Monday

I just realized that I'm letting my journal fall by the wayside again (I didn't know that "journaling" isn't a word... I really thought it was.  Hmm... /shrug/).  I have been doing my poetry though, so I don't know if that makes up for it, or if that is just sufficient enough not to berate myself about it.

Either way, I know that I've been able to share my feelings in my poetry, which has not been the case for the past two years, and that the Blogging helped, as I hoped it would.

Right now, I've been using the tools found in my art groups for inspiration and that is a new feeling, instead of just being dictated to by my errant muse.  I'm putting some effort into my pieces, and being proactive, which I guess is a theme.  I need to be more proactive across the board in my life.

~I'm listing.  Thanks for continuing to guide me. Amen~

Sitting with tears in my eyes.

I know that I want to write.  I want to grow. I want to smile.  I just am not sure how to get there.  Sometimes I feel like I might have a grasp on my "muse" and then it's gone.  Sometimes I feel like everything is finally going well, and then another "bump in the road" happens.  I now have about one out of every seven days where I am "up".  I really want that to be a larger number.  I don't feel like I'm asking for too much.  I don't need seven out of seven days "up".

I even tried downloading an app to access my art page, and it didn't work out like I had hoped.

I know there are days where I am so inspired.  My mother told me to start on my business plan now, and the thoughts I've been thinking and the plans I've been planning in my mind for the past few years, unfolded like those "Magic Dino's" that come in capsules where you just add water.  I didn't realize, until I had "permission" to start thinking of my B&B as being in the near future rather than the far off (when I grow up) future, that I had so much already grown in my head.  My dreams are not as hazy as I thought they were.

So I'm sitting here sad, and happy, and scared.

~Please show me. Please guide me. Thank you for making me. Amen~  

Finding more of my old writings.

Now I just need to write more often to exercise that writing muscle. I can convince myself that I'm barely mediocre and then I go back and read some of my pieces and realize I do have talent.

Like my skills with languages,  my writing skills have suffered from disuse. Writing again is on my To Do list. Blogging is helping but I really need to get back to my poetry. I think I should also start writing  essays, just for the practice.

I don't know if I'll ever be a novelist, but it would be a wonderful thing to publish a book of my poems!

~Inspire me, lead me, love me. Amen~

I need to add stuff to my to do list...

I have done most of what's on my To Do lists. I have three: To Do, Research Ideas,  and Goals and Projects.

It's strange,  I'm not sure when the last time was that I was this caught up.  I'm also praying on purpose,  reading meditations,  blogging on the regular,  and applying the advice of my guide to my daily life... and life is good. Not perfect,  but I don't think I would want it to be perfect.  I love my man, and he frustrates me constantly,  and I annoy him to no end. But, he makes me laugh, and I can be myself with him, and he's had lots of practice forgiving me, and vice versa!

My kids are awesome. I'm learning to be a better Mom and a better friend. I'm working on talking to extended family more often.

So what else do I put on my lists?

~Show me, guide me, love me. Thank you. Amen~

It's Variously Hilarious

It's Variously Hilarious. .. Life, that is.
And at times it's heavy.

I'm chomping at the bit to do something, anything,  other than be unemployed.  School, part time, retail... anything.

I've started creating things, and now my brain is gasping for sustenance. I'm feeling so mentally needy!

Got out of the house today and it was wonderful.  I used to do that all the time. I expect I'll get back to it eventually.

Love crochet!

Crocheting hurts my hand when I do it right handed.  It should not surprise me that I have taken so well to crocheting with my left hand (I looked up tutorials on youtube) since I know the basics on how to crochet, it's taken no time to get used to using my left hand to hold the hook. 

I also do some sort of modified, reverse, continental when I knit.  I just don't want my hands to hurt, and I want to knit and crochet. So I do what feels good on my hands and I adapt what I learn from the tutorials to fit.  Of course,  I'm still on basic stitches.  I want to learn more, but feel like I need a more solid foundation before I move on.

~Hold me tonight, I'm so tired. Amen~

Can't believe I used to live like this.

I got sober over 9 years ago, but before that I was a daily user of many different types of mind/mood altering substances.  So, here I am taking my meds as directed by my doctor,  and it's helping the pain, and I can feel it when it's wearing off, and yet it is still making me loopy, loopy.  And I used to live like this.  I am grateful for the reminder; I don't want to live this way anymore!!!

My to do list needs to be updated.  I've accomplished so many of my goals. Now I have a few more goals to add.  A few more calls to make.  A few more jobs to track down...

~Thank you, for today's clarity and tomorrow's lessons. Amen~

I need to send thank you notes...

I did a round a few years ago; sending thank you notes around to friends and family to make sure to vocalize my gratitude.   It's starting to feel like I need to do it again.  I guess I should begin with my gratitude list, as has been suggested to me.  I also need to get better at the daily meditations.   I have a book I'm supposed to be reading each day, now I need to do so.  Since I started blogging again, even though I haven't managed every single day, I'm feeling good about both the contents and the quantity.

My tubes are now tied.  Other than the hole in my tummy, this was not bad at all.  Getting my gall bladder removed was horrible compared to this.  I'm sure it helps that I'm doing as the doctor said and taking my meds as directed.   Amazing how that works, don't you think.

~Thank you, for my family and my friends, and for you. Amen~

Meditating at 1 AM

Will be heading to the hospital in a handful of hours, and am feeling the "normal" case of nervous. Getting my tubes tied. Feeling oh so very permanent about that. Can't sleep, go figure.  Can't eat, so I'm sure I'm starving. Can't even have water, so my mouth is insisting it's very, very dry! For sure!

It's amazing how my mind plays tricks on me.

~Love me, hold me, be with me today. Amen~

I'm not alone!

Standing in a lobby waiting for an employment workshop, and I'm not alone.  I didn't realize that I felt lonely in this struggle with unemployment.   I knew I felt overwhelmed.  I knew I felt almost sad in this place that I've never been before.  I knew I wasn't unsupported,  between family and friends. I've felt very grateful and loved during this struggle.  But now I have visual proof that I am not the only one that has to face this type of situation.  I'm sure that they also have stories similar to mine in spirit if not content.

~Thank you for showing me. Amen.~

Oh, Wow. Just download the Blogger App

I'm not sure why I didn't think of this when I was downloading all those other apps... go figure! This is going to be easier.  Let's see if I utilize it. I feel like I'm just a bit too old fashioned for my age... I think I should have been born in the 60's so that I would have been in my 20's in the 80's...

I have to put on my big girl panties and have some sort of heart to heart with my man. Ugh, not looking forward to it.  But, ultimately,  our relationship is worth the discomfort and growing pains. Now I just need to pray for guidance... Because I really, really have no idea how to even broach the subject... I think I may wait till he isn't fighting the flu! Ha.

~Courage, guidence, hugs please.  Amen.~  

My Motto for 2015

In the words of Ms.  Frizzel "Take chances, make mistakes, get messy."  That's what sums up best how I'm feeling lately and, in part, explains why I changed the name of my blog.  It's less about changing or fixing what happened "before" and more about living in the "now".

I have an appointment on Thursday with someone from the community college about getting into trade school.  I think I would prefer that to getting a Liberal Arts Degree or something like that.  I'm feeling excited.

Then, next week, I do my pre-op for getting my tubes tied on the 20th.

~Guide me, lead me, hug me, please. Amen.~

2015, Here I Am

I've been purging my house and have gotten to the last bits, those corners that will be nice to get to but don't have to be addressed right now.  I find myself looking forward to having time to knit again.  I'm still looking for a job and have decided to look into going to college... never thought I'd say that.  So wish me luck.