December 2011

I don't know where I'm headed, but I feel like 2012 has lots in store for me.  I've changed so, so much over the last three years, I almost don't recognize myself.  I'm not doing anywhere near as much online as I used to, and my small glimmer of an idea for a blog has all but burnt out.  As I've left noted on my art page, I don't think this is a good-bye, I think this is just a hello.  A way to tell the universe that I'm waiting.  And, I expect the universe has been waiting for me.

Off into tomorrow while my actions speak louder than words for the handful of days to come.

Why so many changes?

I just don't understand this need to change things, over and over again, especially when they were working just fine.  On an intellectual level, I understand that things need to grow and change over a natural course of life, but I don't think that change just so you can say something is new, and therefore somehow better, is being any kind of authentic.  But that's just me, and I find myself disappointed with the world as a whole right now.  It's probably just my routine end-of-the-year blues, and the change in the weather, and the cold that came a bit sooner than expected, and all of the changes I've experienced over this last year... and I'm rambling.  2011 has been a tough year.  And now it's about to be over.  I can't decide if I'm looking forward to 2012, or just ready for this year to be done.

Ahh, Changes...

We've started school.  I hated school.  It's hard to push them to go, when I know it was a horrible experience for me.  But I've got to do it.  And I'm getting some healing for the child-tallie within me.  I'm able to do for and give to my children that which I did not receive from my parents.  It's a blessing, and I know that they will be better in the long run, as will I.  In the meantime, I get the joy of persevering through change, and the not-so-much comfort that comes from the knowledge that God will be with me, and has me, and I'll come out the other end stronger and healthier.  Ugh.

Blasts from the Past

My oh my, I woke up this morning having missed a call from an "old" friend, and having a pending friend request from an ex-boyfriend.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning from this - whether it's a test - Can Tallie Resist Temptation?

Probably not.

I'm due for some trouble. There's a guy who asked me the other day if I was staying out of trouble and my response to him was "I'm lookin' for some" and the person next to me (under her breath I'm sure) said "that's not good"... on the contrary, oh Doubting Thomasina, I think it would be quite good indeed.

All of this leads me to this last thought before I sign off... why do I feel the need to place this out in cyberspace? Because I'm feeling alone, and I know I can not be the only one who's felt this way before.

I'm looking for trouble in all the right places, but I might not want it when I find it.

Sometimes I Make Myself Laugh

I'm putting this Blog out there in to the cyberspace that I rome in, and yet I know that I simply don't write in it enough. I don't read enough blogs to know how bad I'm doing, and I certainly don't know enough about Journaling having tried and failed so many, many times in life to keep a written journal.

I have thoughts that I want to share with the world, and sometimes I even want to share what I like about other people's thoughts. Yet, when I try to do some practical application, nothing comes to fruition.

If you're reading this and you think you have some advice for me, beyond the obvious "stop trying" I'd love to hear from you.

Not cleaning the kitchen...

I am about to run out to the store just to purchase more plastic cups so as to put off cleaning my kitchen one more day. I HATE doing dishes, and my two-year-old lost my second cleaning glove, so I can only do some stuff one handed (due to the excessive "dish pan hands" that I have--did you know that it's actually a type of dermatitis, excema, skin problem... who knew?).

Just some randomness I felt like sharing!

My House is Still a Mess

A couple weekends ago, me and a few girlfriends got a lot of stuff out of my storage... not all of it. In the meantime, it has become alarmingly clear that I should not have done it that way. All of the stuff is still just sitting around my house. It's overwhelming. I don't know where to start. I at least opened some boxes the other day and am glad that I now know most of what is sitting around waiting to be unpacked.

My goal for the week is to clean out one corner, and move one piece of furniture in to that cleaned out corner.

In the meantime, I've lost a friend that I've know for five years and I'm still not cool about the whole death and grief thing. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to the viewing, and I'm still debating about whether I'm going to the funeral. I expect I will. But I'm giving myself all the room I need to make that decision and will love myself anyway if I prove to still be a coward. I will become better at this--better at saying good-bye. I think I'll pray on it.

I love Meditations by E-mail

The meditation I'm sharing below speaks to me where I am right now. What it means to find a partner, and what I'm looking for in a life-partner, rather than a bed-partner. I hear it speaking, too, of friendship--outside that very intimate relationship--not just a lover, but loved ones. Today I have friends in my life that are all heading in the same direction: growth, love, oneness with the Spirit of the Universe, and tranquility in the midst of the storm of life.

True connection with others also requires connection with self. When I look toward connection with others to fill my lonely emptiness, I never get what I want. I become a perfectionist and demanding because I see what the other is giving as crucial to my personal sense of wellness. Within me is a fullness from which I can have a true encounter with the fullness of another person. Two empty containers don't make one full one. Today I will go within for nourishment and support another person in doing the same. When each of us is able to do this, we will have something beautiful to share.
I connect with the fullness of others through the fullness of my own soul.

Soul or saint making is not an overnight process: it may take most of our lives, or it may take only a few revelations of the truth - it all depends on who we are and what we are dealing with. That is why it is so important to have respect for one another. Finding the gifts at the core of our soul is an interesting process. It frees us to be truly ourselves in the most beautiful light available. God's love. ~Terry Lynn Taylor

It's Almost June Already

I just tried on a pair of jeans for the first time in almost two months -- they fit! It's crazy, I haven't weighed myself since the move because I have yet to located the scale, but it was awesome to try on clothes that I haven't bothered with because I knew they no longer fit, and now they do.

It was the first tangible evidence that my better choices are paying off and once I begin making better exercise/activity choices, I expect quicker results.

Overall, I need a life coach or something to help with the residual attitude issues my children and I carry around with us due to my continual change in locations, about ever two years now (instead of every six months at one point in my life).

I'm getting there, and in the meantime, I plan to continue just making better choices when I have the opportunity -- and loving myself anyway when I don't.

Tomorrow, a new home

We're moving into our new apartment tomorrow. I wonder if it will be as good as I'm hoping. I know that I bring into our new home the same me I was yesterday, and the same hang-ups that my children and I share.

Here's hoping having our own space again will immediately help with some of the tension we carry.

Here's wishing that being closer to friends and my "family by choice" will open new doors for friendship and support to enter more fully in our lives.

fast forward one year and two weeks

It just occurred to me the other day while I was driving home that I have finally reached a point in my weight dance that my actual weight matches what I've seen in the mirror all my life.

As I finish this latest book about the relationship between my mother and the child that I was I realize that for the first time in my life I feel real.

I will be embarking on some "original pain work" and some "inner child healing" according to Jasmin Cori, MS, LPC and her various sources.

While I plan to continue changing how I love myself, I expect that my weight will continue to reflect what I see in the mirror (namely a healthier me) and as a result I will become thinner.

My hope and goal for myself is simply this:

Love myself, not as I want to be, not as others want me to be, but simply as I am.

P.S. I also plan on /being/ a better person...