I've smoked cigarettes since I was 1* years old. I was what is considered a heavy smoker.
I love tobacco. All forms. Cigars and hookahs.
What do I do now that I've stopped smoking for just over a year (this time). I still want one all the time, every day.
When it's nice outside, when it's storming; when it's early, when it's late. Sitting at home or driving. Always.
As a reward for getting up and facing the day; the world at large. As a punishment for existing; for feeling too much.
The intellectual part of me knows it's a crutch. Knows it's a substitute for whatever emotional coping mechanism I failed to learn as a child.
Tobacco is also a smell memory. Every safe place I had as an adolescent smelled like smoke.
I am having to teach myself all over again. I am having to re-nurture my inner child.
I will just not pick up the next cigarette and accept the self-control God is gifting me with as I continue to try to do his will.
~Hold me a bit tighter today, please. Amen~
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