It's Almost June Already

I just tried on a pair of jeans for the first time in almost two months -- they fit! It's crazy, I haven't weighed myself since the move because I have yet to located the scale, but it was awesome to try on clothes that I haven't bothered with because I knew they no longer fit, and now they do.

It was the first tangible evidence that my better choices are paying off and once I begin making better exercise/activity choices, I expect quicker results.

Overall, I need a life coach or something to help with the residual attitude issues my children and I carry around with us due to my continual change in locations, about ever two years now (instead of every six months at one point in my life).

I'm getting there, and in the meantime, I plan to continue just making better choices when I have the opportunity -- and loving myself anyway when I don't.

Tomorrow, a new home

We're moving into our new apartment tomorrow. I wonder if it will be as good as I'm hoping. I know that I bring into our new home the same me I was yesterday, and the same hang-ups that my children and I share.

Here's hoping having our own space again will immediately help with some of the tension we carry.

Here's wishing that being closer to friends and my "family by choice" will open new doors for friendship and support to enter more fully in our lives.

fast forward one year and two weeks

It just occurred to me the other day while I was driving home that I have finally reached a point in my weight dance that my actual weight matches what I've seen in the mirror all my life.

As I finish this latest book about the relationship between my mother and the child that I was I realize that for the first time in my life I feel real.

I will be embarking on some "original pain work" and some "inner child healing" according to Jasmin Cori, MS, LPC and her various sources.

While I plan to continue changing how I love myself, I expect that my weight will continue to reflect what I see in the mirror (namely a healthier me) and as a result I will become thinner.

My hope and goal for myself is simply this:

Love myself, not as I want to be, not as others want me to be, but simply as I am.

P.S. I also plan on /being/ a better person...

4-20

Not a great date for me to begin with... but now it is also the anniversary of the death of the father of my best friend, my not-quite-niece.

Today is a reminder of all of those great memories, and all of the not so great memories.

Sometimes I miss the silliness. Most of the time I don't.

All of it is now experience I can share with others, and old, bad times I can now put to good use.

This Particular Monday

I'm tired, and lonely, and angry, and feeling out of control. The only reason I'm not hungry is because eating seems to be the only vice left. Are vices necessary, if I manage to get rid of this last vice of eating, will I find others to fill the void? I don't want to return to the old vices, I don't know how living life without vices is possible. I want to be a "good person" and I've given up on being "normal" and I'm not strange enough to be "legally insane".

Cookies solve nothing, but they sure taste good!

So, for my next act...

I will be learning how to sync my blackberry with my google, with my gmail, with my blog... and one day I will figure out why Facebook will post some of my stuff from my phone, and not others.

That is all for today, but I would like to rant later when it doesn't work easily, and I feel foolish.

My Birthday is Monday

I've just created a blog.

My son is nursing, I'm at work, and I'm lightheaded because I didn't eat today until two... the start to a promising weekend.