Dressing nicely

I've never been really good at dressing up for a corporate job. I'm much more on the business casual end of the spectrum. But, I've been practicing and so far so good.

I feel better when I put myself together before heading out. I didn't think it would feel like this.

So.

I am in school now, and I am really enjoying it so far...

This is all I can share right now, in between homework assignments:

http://distantcricket.deviantart.com/journal/Just-a-little-rant-538761960

>1 year post Smoking Cessation

I've smoked cigarettes since I was 1* years old. I was what is considered a heavy smoker.

I love tobacco. All forms. Cigars and hookahs.

What do I do now that I've stopped smoking for just over a year (this time). I still want one all the time, every day.

When it's nice outside, when it's storming; when it's early, when it's late. Sitting at home or driving. Always.

As a reward for getting up and facing the day; the world at large. As a punishment for existing; for feeling too much.

The intellectual part of me knows it's a crutch. Knows it's a substitute for whatever emotional coping mechanism I failed to learn as a child.

Tobacco is also a smell memory. Every safe place I had as an adolescent smelled like smoke.

I am having to teach myself all over again. I am having to re-nurture my inner child.

I will just not pick up the next cigarette and accept the self-control God is gifting me with as I continue to try to do his will.

~Hold me a bit tighter today, please. Amen~

Almost home.

I should have taken before pictures of my home. Now that I am approaching the very last of my home organization projects, I look around in wonder at all I have accomplished. Just another example of my making something wonderful out of a difficult period in my life. Things are not all hunky-dory, but I am not stuck. I'm moving forward and seeking growth.

~Thank you for guiding me and holding me in your arms. Amen~

Progress

I have been successful in my latest endeavors to write poetry.

High five to me.

Here is a link to my gallery  http://distantcricket.deviantart.com/gallery/

Self-promotion!  Yay!

I am all tapped out of words, but I am so happy that I am exercising my grey matter.  Now I just need to feed it.  It is calling out for some knowledge, and is hungering to learn, and weeps wearily that my days are so similar with very little variety.  I am hoping that will improve.  I am so ready to be a working woman again.  Please send good vibes my way.

~Lead me, and let me lean on you, please.  I am so very tired. Amen~

My Birthday was on Monday

I just realized that I'm letting my journal fall by the wayside again (I didn't know that "journaling" isn't a word... I really thought it was.  Hmm... /shrug/).  I have been doing my poetry though, so I don't know if that makes up for it, or if that is just sufficient enough not to berate myself about it.

Either way, I know that I've been able to share my feelings in my poetry, which has not been the case for the past two years, and that the Blogging helped, as I hoped it would.

Right now, I've been using the tools found in my art groups for inspiration and that is a new feeling, instead of just being dictated to by my errant muse.  I'm putting some effort into my pieces, and being proactive, which I guess is a theme.  I need to be more proactive across the board in my life.

~I'm listing.  Thanks for continuing to guide me. Amen~

Sitting with tears in my eyes.

I know that I want to write.  I want to grow. I want to smile.  I just am not sure how to get there.  Sometimes I feel like I might have a grasp on my "muse" and then it's gone.  Sometimes I feel like everything is finally going well, and then another "bump in the road" happens.  I now have about one out of every seven days where I am "up".  I really want that to be a larger number.  I don't feel like I'm asking for too much.  I don't need seven out of seven days "up".

I even tried downloading an app to access my art page, and it didn't work out like I had hoped.

I know there are days where I am so inspired.  My mother told me to start on my business plan now, and the thoughts I've been thinking and the plans I've been planning in my mind for the past few years, unfolded like those "Magic Dino's" that come in capsules where you just add water.  I didn't realize, until I had "permission" to start thinking of my B&B as being in the near future rather than the far off (when I grow up) future, that I had so much already grown in my head.  My dreams are not as hazy as I thought they were.

So I'm sitting here sad, and happy, and scared.

~Please show me. Please guide me. Thank you for making me. Amen~