End of the week, hello Friday

So, I'm purging so much.  Got the Christmas stuff actually in the closet, and am giving a bunch of stuff away.... All because of these new meds and my new insurance doesn't cover them, go figure.

I haven't written a poem in a while, but i feel them building inside me.

I'm going to visit family tonight, and my step daughter is visiting from college tomorrow.  Life is good.  I'm feeling productive.  Someday I will have a job again.  Or I'll be going to school. I'm actually looking forward to it.

thursday

Today was good. Couldn't sleep, but then everyone else was up early too, so we woke the teenager and opened the presents at 5:30 in the morning.  Then I went right into cooking.  So far I'm 2 for 2 with the turkeys this year.

Got a request for an appointment out yesterday to look into trade school.  I want to work with my hands. And I want to do more than paperwork.  Hopefully learning a trade will go well for my long term goals of owning and running a bed and breakfast...

day two...

Downloaded some apps today.  Want to get back to writing my poetry, want to have a to do list, and want to start doing daily meditations. So got apps for each of those, and hopefully will actually use them. I know that having this blog available on my phone to update certainly makes it easier to journal.  I just hope that I can keep it up.  It will be great to actually achieve some of these goals.

I wrapped all of the gifts today for the kids. And flirted with my man, and made sure to tell him I appreciate and love him. Got to spend time with my mom, and each kid individually.  I need to do that more often! We used to have mommy time..., another thing to put on the goal list.

My insurance isn't approving my new meds and I'm going to have to fight for it, because this is the best I have felt in years and I don't want to lose it.

~be with me, guide me, hold my hand... amen~

Almost 2015

I am supposed to start journaling according to Pat (my guide) and I'm sure that there are other things that I'm supposed to be doing as well, but one thing at a time. I've gotten some things done, and need to start my list.  Phone calls, applications sent, working out, purging my house of "sit-around" items...

That's enough for now.

Patterns at work

"Half way through 2012 and I'm amazed at where I've ended up.  I knew in December that life was going in a whole new direction, but I never expected this."

When I look through all of my posts I hear the same feeling expressed time and again.  There is a pattern at work, clearly.  The more I do what is against my basic nature the better life gets.  Yet the better life gets the more off-balance I feel, the more at-risk I am.  The more I have to lose, the more my basic nature screams out for control, for security.  There is not security in happiness for me.  There is a strong foundation and clear understanding in pain, and loss, and loneliness.   There is a familiarity in those.  This happiness an this blessing-filled life is new, and wonderful, and I'm going to keep going for it, but in the meantime, my basic nature is hungry for blood, and doesn't believe that anything else can sustain us.

December 2011

I don't know where I'm headed, but I feel like 2012 has lots in store for me.  I've changed so, so much over the last three years, I almost don't recognize myself.  I'm not doing anywhere near as much online as I used to, and my small glimmer of an idea for a blog has all but burnt out.  As I've left noted on my art page, I don't think this is a good-bye, I think this is just a hello.  A way to tell the universe that I'm waiting.  And, I expect the universe has been waiting for me.

Off into tomorrow while my actions speak louder than words for the handful of days to come.

Why so many changes?

I just don't understand this need to change things, over and over again, especially when they were working just fine.  On an intellectual level, I understand that things need to grow and change over a natural course of life, but I don't think that change just so you can say something is new, and therefore somehow better, is being any kind of authentic.  But that's just me, and I find myself disappointed with the world as a whole right now.  It's probably just my routine end-of-the-year blues, and the change in the weather, and the cold that came a bit sooner than expected, and all of the changes I've experienced over this last year... and I'm rambling.  2011 has been a tough year.  And now it's about to be over.  I can't decide if I'm looking forward to 2012, or just ready for this year to be done.