Patterns at work

"Half way through 2012 and I'm amazed at where I've ended up.  I knew in December that life was going in a whole new direction, but I never expected this."

When I look through all of my posts I hear the same feeling expressed time and again.  There is a pattern at work, clearly.  The more I do what is against my basic nature the better life gets.  Yet the better life gets the more off-balance I feel, the more at-risk I am.  The more I have to lose, the more my basic nature screams out for control, for security.  There is not security in happiness for me.  There is a strong foundation and clear understanding in pain, and loss, and loneliness.   There is a familiarity in those.  This happiness an this blessing-filled life is new, and wonderful, and I'm going to keep going for it, but in the meantime, my basic nature is hungry for blood, and doesn't believe that anything else can sustain us.

December 2011

I don't know where I'm headed, but I feel like 2012 has lots in store for me.  I've changed so, so much over the last three years, I almost don't recognize myself.  I'm not doing anywhere near as much online as I used to, and my small glimmer of an idea for a blog has all but burnt out.  As I've left noted on my art page, I don't think this is a good-bye, I think this is just a hello.  A way to tell the universe that I'm waiting.  And, I expect the universe has been waiting for me.

Off into tomorrow while my actions speak louder than words for the handful of days to come.

Why so many changes?

I just don't understand this need to change things, over and over again, especially when they were working just fine.  On an intellectual level, I understand that things need to grow and change over a natural course of life, but I don't think that change just so you can say something is new, and therefore somehow better, is being any kind of authentic.  But that's just me, and I find myself disappointed with the world as a whole right now.  It's probably just my routine end-of-the-year blues, and the change in the weather, and the cold that came a bit sooner than expected, and all of the changes I've experienced over this last year... and I'm rambling.  2011 has been a tough year.  And now it's about to be over.  I can't decide if I'm looking forward to 2012, or just ready for this year to be done.

Ahh, Changes...

We've started school.  I hated school.  It's hard to push them to go, when I know it was a horrible experience for me.  But I've got to do it.  And I'm getting some healing for the child-tallie within me.  I'm able to do for and give to my children that which I did not receive from my parents.  It's a blessing, and I know that they will be better in the long run, as will I.  In the meantime, I get the joy of persevering through change, and the not-so-much comfort that comes from the knowledge that God will be with me, and has me, and I'll come out the other end stronger and healthier.  Ugh.

Blasts from the Past

My oh my, I woke up this morning having missed a call from an "old" friend, and having a pending friend request from an ex-boyfriend.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning from this - whether it's a test - Can Tallie Resist Temptation?

Probably not.

I'm due for some trouble. There's a guy who asked me the other day if I was staying out of trouble and my response to him was "I'm lookin' for some" and the person next to me (under her breath I'm sure) said "that's not good"... on the contrary, oh Doubting Thomasina, I think it would be quite good indeed.

All of this leads me to this last thought before I sign off... why do I feel the need to place this out in cyberspace? Because I'm feeling alone, and I know I can not be the only one who's felt this way before.

I'm looking for trouble in all the right places, but I might not want it when I find it.

Sometimes I Make Myself Laugh

I'm putting this Blog out there in to the cyberspace that I rome in, and yet I know that I simply don't write in it enough. I don't read enough blogs to know how bad I'm doing, and I certainly don't know enough about Journaling having tried and failed so many, many times in life to keep a written journal.

I have thoughts that I want to share with the world, and sometimes I even want to share what I like about other people's thoughts. Yet, when I try to do some practical application, nothing comes to fruition.

If you're reading this and you think you have some advice for me, beyond the obvious "stop trying" I'd love to hear from you.

Not cleaning the kitchen...

I am about to run out to the store just to purchase more plastic cups so as to put off cleaning my kitchen one more day. I HATE doing dishes, and my two-year-old lost my second cleaning glove, so I can only do some stuff one handed (due to the excessive "dish pan hands" that I have--did you know that it's actually a type of dermatitis, excema, skin problem... who knew?).

Just some randomness I felt like sharing!